I Hope It’s Coming Back…

Hello friends, I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been in a sort of creative void and also a blogging void. I’m not quite sure why. I started spring cleaning the house, I got the urge, you know how it is, the nicer weather seems to inspire a bit of a nesting feeling. You seem to notice the windows need cleaning and then start to clean out cupboards etc and then before I knew it I got a bit obsessed. I didn’t actually think of it as obsessed I just thought I was on a roll and I kept going, decluttering and organising, then it slowly dawned on me that I was feeling guilty whenever I sat down to do some scrapping or art work of any sort, I kept thinking of all the things that needed doing, which, in turn, made me not enjoy what I was doing, I would actually have to stop and go and do whatever it was that was bothering me. Even if nothing in particular was bothering me I would start having thoughts like, “I’m being so unproductive”, or “how is this helping our family, they’d be better off it I went and made a soup, or organised something or whatever” and on and on the list can go. I have struggled with this before and it’s not fun, it really does affect how much creating I do. I’m still struggling with it as I write this as a matter of fact and I’m not sure how to get past it. I sort of feel as though the house has to be perfect and maybe then I can relax and ‘allow’ myself to do my creative stuff. Little bit OCD at the moment I think, I know it’s not a good place to be as art really is part of me and I need to express myself through it. I am trivialising it by putting it last on the list, or not on the list at all! Logically, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, yet I am really having trouble with the guilt. Maybe I feel as though I don’t deserve this outlet? Maybe I am procrastinating? Or perhaps a bit of both? I’m not quite sure but I am sure something’s gotta give. Those photos above are pictures of what has been sitting on my work area for weeks. I got as far as choosing colors (sort of), choosing some embellishments, choosing a cute photo and a selection of a few others in case I want to use more than one. I had the idea to use the back part of the packaging that Elsie Flannigans rubons come in as part of my layout (behind the main photo) which I thought was a cute idea and kind of inspired me and then………I came to a dead stop! I have remained at this stage for days. I don’t know if any of you have struggled with anything similar to this, if you have I’d appreciate some suggestions. I think I may need to take a bit of time to analyze what’s really going on here. I must also start reminding myself of why art is not a waste of time. I guess that’s what is at the crux of it, I have been feeling as if sitting down and making something pretty is so self indulgent. It’s not as bad if I’m making it for someone else, which is why I joined a ‘swap’ club a while back (not that I’ve made what I am supposed to make for that either yet), I guess I thought that if I’m doing it for others it’s not as self indulgent. I really don’t want to feel like this, it just seems wrong in a way that is not healthy. I will work through it, even writing about it here is enlightening me a little. I seem to remember, vaguely, reading something Ali Edwards wrote about a similar topic, I may go to her blog and read old posts. Also, reading about how other people who ‘make’ things feel about this might help. I shall do some research on the subject. Gosh I’ve waffled on a long time about my problems, sorry, I’m surprised if you’re still with me (and grateful) lol! I shall finish now, it’s 1o.50pm here and Jack is still up! Well, it is school holidays, but still…..take care of yourselves and each other and hopefully next time you hear from me I will have created something. PS: I read through Ngaire’s blog today and that did stir something deep inside me, enough so I almost got up and went to my work space, almost….Thanks Ngaire, you have some beautiful things on there.

Family Fun at Jack’s Belated Birthday…

Hello my friends, I haven’t blogged in a while, but I am still here! I just wanted to share these photos of Jack’s very belated birthday with you today. His actual birthday fell on a Thursday (the 13th September) so we thought we’d do a small get together on the following Saturday, but wouldn’t you know it, he got a tummy bug and was sick for about 5 days. Anyway we had it the following Saturday and it was lovely. Not to big (last year was a heap of kinder kids) just family this year. I don’t think kids need a big party every year. So my two sisters and my two nephews, my mum and my nana, and honestly that was enough. It meant we all had time to spend with each other instead of trying to ‘mingle’, we could focus on the kids, and all in all it was a really fun, relaxing day. The weather was perfect and we ended up putting the nibblies out on the back table and sitting in the sunshine. I didn’t even go mad with the food, I usually way over do it lol! This year just some dip, cheese and biccy’s and a bought cake! Easy peasy. Add a few balloons and streamers and there you have it, a party. Next year he’s allowed to have a bigger party with friends from school over. I am also taking him to Luna Park this year sometime during the holidays as part of his present, he absolutely loves it there, he hasn’t any fear of the rides, he’s a bit of a dare devil. He’s actually at his Dad’s for a few days, so I’m enjoying some much needed time to myself. I don’t know what to do first! Anyway I miss him dearly but I may as well make the most of my time out as it’ll be gone before I know it. I’ve been going through his old toys while he’s out of the house and getting rid of some of them. He doesn’t play with most of them anymore but he has a fit if I try to give them away, so this way what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and his room will be a lot more organised. I also plan on doing some creative things, I’ll share whatever I end up making. Anyway that’s a fairly long post and so, enough for now. I hope you all have a lovely day and make the most of the school holidays with your darlings. Take care of yourselves and each other. PS: If you need any ideas for young kids (about 2 to 10) check out this great site full of art and crafting ideas. It’s really wonderful. Enjoy!

Such Very Good News…

Hello dear friends, I am so privileged to be able to share some really good news today. As you know, I had my oncology appointment yesterday, and really expected to be told that something showed in my PET scan, as is usually the case! However, guess what? Nothing, absolutely nothing showed, sooooo, I am officially in REMISSION. I am so thrilled, I really thought I’d be starting on a new clinical trial today but instead I have at least 3 months without having to have any treatment. I say 3 months, as that is when my next PET scan is due and of course that could show something and I would indeed have to start a trial, but for the moment, cancer free! Anyway I want to thank all the folk that were praying for me yesterday, and for thinking of me and hoping for the best, it is such a great comfort when you feel cared about. I haven’t been in remission ever, in the whole 5 years I’ve been battling this disease, so this is a huge deal for me. I am just so happy. Now I feel like I can plan a little bit ahead of time, I also feel such a sense of relief that I’ll be able to take care of my little family, and our home, and the garden, all of those things that as a Mother are so important. You know, I have had soooo much energy this past week, I have felt really good and I was very upset at the thought of ruining that with chemo. Now I can just run with it and maybe that’s why I’m feeling so good, because there isn’t any discernible cancer at the moment. Also it has reached the 2 month mark since my liver resection surgery and I have healed really well, this would also contribute to my well being.
Anyway, I am just so thankful and grateful for being able to do and appreciate the little things in life, they truly are the most important, and they add up to being big things. I feel like I’m being a good mumma and I can continue to run with that for now. When I say a ‘good mumma’ I always try to be a good mum, but sometimes my health doesn’t allow me to do and be everything my sons deserve, this breaks my heart and can fill me with despair if I don’t do a lot of fast self talking, ( and sometimes even when I do)!

I am, of course, going to continue to eat really well, and continue taking the time to take good care of myself, so hopefully, please dear God, I can hang in there until Jack is grown up. That is my goal, I am aware that at this stage of cancer research there is not a cure for me, the cancer has spread too far, but I pray daily for the gift to stay on this earth until my youngest son is grown up, has a partner to love him and is self sufficient. If I achieve that, I will count myself extraordinarily blessed. Okay, thank you dear ones for bearing with me through a very long post but I just wanted to share my wonderful news. Take care of yourselves and each other and try to make each day count in some way. Hugs for you.

Nerve Racking Day Today….

Hi friends, yes today is a little nerve racking for me. Today I have an appointment with my oncologist (one of them) to get the results of the PET scan I had last week. I am hoping that nothing showed, of course, although he (my oncologist) wants it to show something so I am able to go on a clinical trial as I don’t have a lot of options left now. My thinking is that why not just keep having scans regularly, and whenever something does show, hopefully later rather than sooner, then try going on a trial. Anyhoo I’m not the oncologist he is, still it seems strange. So, if something does show, he will have me apply to go on a trial and I will be starting rather soon, which I sooooo don’t want to have to do. However, the alternative is not good, so I will have too, for Jack and Jamie. I have been feeling so good lately that I so don’t want to have to feel sick again, and it’s the fatigue and lack of energy that gets to me. One woman who was having regular chemo described the feeling as that of a terrible hangover, but without the fun of the night before lol! That’s exactly how I used to try to describe it to people (not that I have much of a clue what a terrible hangover is like of course!!lol). No friends, I do not want a hangover that goes on for months, and believe me there is no fun involved. Anyway, enough of my whining, I must realise that those trials offer hope for people like me and are a wonderful opportunity, and I truly do know that, it’s just tough getting through them and to keep remaining positive and strong, I will surely try my best.

On another note, I have been following Flylady’s tips and routines and my home is starting to sparkle and has a LOT less clutter. I actually didn’t think I had a lot of clutter, but guess what, I was wrong. Another great site is Saving Dinner, this is fantastic, it includes weekly menu planning, shopping to go with it, freezer meals that you make yourself, tips and how to budget shop, really a wonderful tool. I really think all of these will help me when I’m having chemo, but they can help anyone. Also I’m getting on board with Housefairy, to motivate children to clean their rooms, be responsible for their ‘stuff’, and help around the house. It makes it so you’re not the ‘badguy‘. I LOVE and really recommend all of these sites if you’re feeling a bit behind the 8th ball and have kids, which as far as I know, that’s 90% of us lol! Anyway dear ones, take care of yourselves and each other, bye for now. Oh, by the way, those photos above are some of Jack’s clean and organised room, I wish I could show you inside the cupboards and drawers, but that’s probably getting a bit carried away LOL!

Fantastic New Site

Hi dear ones, today I have a great new site to tell you about, (if you already know about it, just ignore this!) stumbleupon.com. It truly is a wonderful site and I highly recommend you try it! The concept is that you join up and then they recommend, (I do too!), that you download the toolbar and then you can get started. Here’s where the fun begins….as part of your set up process when signing up, you get a list of choices of things you’re interested in eg: art, philosophy, gardening, books, whatever, then when you click on your little ‘stumbleupon’ logo on your newly added toolbar up will come a website that you probably won’t have seen before and you will probably ADORE. Then you just click on ‘like it’ or ‘don’t like it’ and if you don’t it won’t show you that site again, if you do it will add it to your favourites and show similar sites next time you click the ‘stumbleupon’ button. Honestly I sat here last night and pressed the button, up came a most wonderful photography site, I actually caught my breath it was just so exquisite. Then I pressed it again, and again, and again, and I LOVED every site that it showed me. Be warned, it’s very addictive, because, well, it’s quite simply, just that good! Anyway you know I’m not affiliated with them or getting any kick backs or anything like that, I just love to share when I find something really good on line. So take a look, sign up, I promise you’ll love it. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Happy Birthday Beautiful One…

Today it is your birthday. You are six years old. I have trouble believing it, it only seems like yesterday that I was so excited/nervous bringing you home in your baby car seat, terrified of driving such a precious bundle. You have been through a lot in your six years, including and especially having your Mum with a terminal illness, you have been with me to chemo many times and looking at your beautiful face and having you there holding me saying “it’s okay Mummy I’m here with you” made me so brave. People used to ask me how I handled it so well, well my darling, it was because of you, I would look at you and not want you to be afraid for me, so I would find such bravery I never knew existed and it was for you and because of you.

You won the hearts of the nurses, they loved seeing you and would have little gifts for you when you came in, some of the times when I didn’t bring you, which wasn’t very often, they would be so disappointed.

I have had the precious gift of seeing you turn 6, and please God, let me have more years to watch you grow and develop.

You have had to be without me through 2 massive surgeries, several hospice stays and it’s not fair, I know how much you missed me and it broke my heart and made me get well as fast as I could to get home to you. I never took even one day more than I absolutely had to, sometimes I really should have stayed longer, but how could I when I knew you were there waiting for me. You are so kind, you are emotionally wise beyond your years, you are so brilliantly intelligent, so funny, so dear in every way, I thank God for you every single day. If I manage to stay alive my darling it is because of you and for you, you are my inspiration, you are my dear one, your are my everything. Happy Birthday dear Jack, I want everything good for you and mostly I want to be able to be here for you. Bless your beautiful heart Mummyxxxx

Well That’s Over…

Yes scans are now completed, thank goodness. Poor Jack though, he has diarrhea and vomiting and terrible headaches. Thank goodness I didn’t end up sending him to school yesterday, he ended up staying with his Nana, who by the way, force fed him a bit, not realising he felt so bad. Anyway sorry for my depressing post yesterday, it was just a very chaotic day and I really hate having my scans done, some of it is in my mind for sure, some of it is because I’m just so sick of medical procedures, and some of it is just I plain don’t want to know what’s next. But I do really, because I need to have treatment as early as possible, and the only way to know whether there’s anything growing in there at the time is to do these scans! Ok will post again when I have something nice or positive to share, take care.

So Wanting to Hide…

Goodmorning, dear friends, this morning I am miserable. Today I have a PET scan and a CT Scan booked in about 1 hour away. I’m up early and reasonably organised but I don’t want to go one little bit. This happens to me nearly every time I have one of these booked in, something always comes up or stops me going, whether it be Jack getting sick, or me sick or just something. Jack has recently had 2 weeks off school (again) with flu and today is his first day back, but while he was off we got so out of routine so last night he didn’t get to sleep till about 10.30pm which is too late for him. So I really need to pick him up at lunch time but I won’t be back all day until about 5pm tonight. He will be just too tired and I can’t do it to him, I need to be here and pick him up at lunch time and bring him home for a rest. I don’t know anyone who can pick him up for me today at lunch time, unless his Nana can at the last minute, just waiting on a phone call from my sister to let me know. But then I started thinking, ok what if she can pick him up, well that’s great, but I almost don’t want her to be able to ’cause I don’t want to go, and yet I know if I don’t they may not book me in again because you have to give them more notice than that as they have to order stuff and it costs money! Why am I like this? I just feel as though I can’t take anymore medical stuff and yet I haven’t had any for a while, well since major surgery 7 weeks ago lol! I forgot about that one. Also I just have so much on my mind at the moment in trying to save my life (will tell you about that some other 60 seconds), that this feels like a major intrusion. Honestly sometimes I think I must have a mental block with these scans. You do have to have a drip put in and you have to fast and the actual scan takes 30 minutes of lying still not moving so it isn’t pleasant plus you are there for more than 6 hours, which is just horrid, especially when I had about 3 hours sleep due to worrying about Jack. Anyway I don’t really expect anyone to have an answer but just needed to get it out and where better than my blog? That is what it’s for after all, to journal in. I guess if my Nana can pick Jack up early then I will go but honestly it’s gonna take every bit of will power I’ve got to make myself do it. Maybe too, I don’t want to know, and also all these scans are not good for me either, but I suppose not knowing what’s going on in my body isn’t good for me, I just feel like I can’t win at the moment.

I have also found out about some really fantastic vitamins and nutrients that have helped many people so I really feel I need these but they are going to cost me about $300 per month. Not so great, but what do you do when your life is on the line?

Anyway guys, thanks for reading my whining post today, I’ll try to snap out of it and come up with something positive for the next post. PS: I’ve heard back from my sister and she’s organised Jack’s Nana to pick him up at lunch time and bring him home, so no reason for me not to go now, so I will, even though I really, really don’t want too. Take care of yourselves and each other.

All That Sparkles…

I swap with Swap-bot!
Hi gals, well I have joined a swap web site that has an amazing array of swaps going on at any one time. I thought I’d just dip my toe into the water by starting with an ATC swap called All That Sparkles, which kind of speaks for itself. I have two swap partners and I make them 2 ATC’s each. I hope I do a good enough job! I think these swaps are a great idea as I love to make things but there are only so many bits of your own artwork that you can keep around the house. I decided to make a special album/journal to house my ATC’s as I get involved with more swaps and start a collection. It also gives me a bit more motivation to make things when I know they’re for someone else. So wish me luck and of course I’ll post pictures of what I make, (once my swap partners have received them of course), don’t want to ruin the surprise and you do put your blog site on the registration form. Anyway anyone interested can click on the link above or right here. Bye for now, take care of yourselves and each other.

Chandelier

Chandelier
Originally uploaded by faceitwithagrin

Hello dear ones, I have had a new chandelier put in my entry way and also my living room. I did, however, forget to buy the little globes that are needed to make it work lol! Anyway I’m sure when I get them, it’ll look very pretty lit up at night. What do you think? I’ll show you the living room one soon.